(Clippings from strait times and the new paper )

How tragic can a new year’s eve get..

Never did I even in my dreams

thought that

I will be spending my new year’s eve

in

my cousin brother’s funeral..

Although not that close,

we studied in the same secondary school

and

I nearly saw him everyday

for

3 years..

There were times in functions

where more then ten of us (including him and his siblings)

were cooped up in one room

as

cousins having fun..

Was really heart wrenching

to

see his mom..

She could not even cry properly..

and

his 4 siblings..

The elder one who appeared strong initially

totally lost control

when it time for the last journey..

When the sis fainted

and

one of the elders

told the mom

that

she needed to be beside her daughter..

the mom just shook her head

and

said..

‘You ask habeeb to come...

You ask him to come...

I don’t want anyone else....’

and

started blabbering..

Was really an ‘ouch’ scenario...

Came to know that

except for the younger brother,

no one else in the family saw him

coz

they went over to the sis home

to stay for new year's celebration..

They did not see him on the last day of his life.

If only

he had stayed at home

after returning in the night before leaving..

If only..

the sis had managed to convince him

to

go over immediately

when he had last called her

to say that

he would be coming over the next day..

if only

he had been wearing the seat belt..

the agony would not have been there..

It is easy to console oneself

sayin that

if it is his fate..

what can we do?

But

to digest the fact

that at 22years old..

a soul has to leave

the earth

in

such a painful manner..

&

especially when its a close kin..

it hits darn hard..

was really affected..

made me feel really vulnerable..

the past few years..

have really been losing

a few important ones

in my life..

be it totally losing them to nature’s cycle

or

fate’s play..

(that is they r still around but just..

no longer as a part of my life..)

It has really made me damn sensitive..

That too what happened yesterday

really pushed me to my limits..

First the funeral..

Second my grandma..

She just gave this 'grand' entrance

with

one of her favorite grandson

and

acted as if I was invisible..

when someone asked her

how many grandchildren she had..

with me right beside her,

she can tell them

with this big grin

all her grandchildren name except mine..

when another lady asked her

who I was,

she can give her this eye raising look

and

act as if

she didn’t hear the question!

fine..

just because

I

take after

her mother in law's appearance

and

m dark skinned,

she thinks she has all the rights

to show me attitude!

Well, she can jolly well

go fly kite

with

her freaking fair grandchildren!!

When outsiders treat u

unfairly

because of the skin color,

it irritates the hell of you..

but

when your own

flesh and blood..

when your own

father’s mom does that,

what the hell

am I suppose to feel..

Growing up being ostracized

because

I reminded her of her mother in law

whom she obviously detested

and

being embarrassed

within my own relations

for

my mere appearance

made me lock myself up for so many years..

Just when I am coming out of my shell..

Heck!

If she thinks am going to be the same old abee

who gave in to everything..

she can go on daydreaming..

I did yearn for the love

I saw being showered on my siblings by her..

bu

t then again who am I kidding..

if am gonna be judged

for my outer look

then you can really erase yourself out of my life!

Third and last..

the midnight argument..

I don’t know what sparked it up..

but I really felt the blow on my face…

people!

Please don’t ever say that

may god take your life

coz things are not favorable on your side..

By talking about

those who are not there for you..

have you ever thought about

the fact

that you may hurt the ones

who

are always there for you..

have you ever thought about

whats going to happen to people

who value you more then their life

when

you are so called gone

coz you cant handle whats happening..

what a way to start and end my day..

all the tears I had suppress just came flowing out..

I used to be this stern uptight person

when it came to arguments and problems.

but

2007’s incidents has really trashed out the pulp in me

that I cant seem to take in such words…

so many ups and so many downs..

lost a few..gained a few..

but

certain pain staking incidents

will never go off my memory..

I dunno whats gonna happen in 2008

but

all I am asking GOD

is

to keep the ‘bonds’ intact..

Well..

I am lost for words now..

Have a blast..

Happy New year

and

All the best wishes..

=) Take Care (=