Some day everything will make purfect sense!
So for now,Luff @ the confusion..Smile thru the tears
& Keep Reminding yourself..
That Everything Happens 4 A Reason! :)
My Soul-EthaNia-:D
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How tragic can a new year’s eve get..
Never did I even in my dreams
thought that
I will be spending my new year’s eve
in
my cousin brother’s funeral..
Although not that close,
we studied in the same secondary school
and
I nearly saw him everyday
for
3 years..
There were times in functions
where more then ten of us (including him and his siblings)
were cooped up in one room
as
cousins having fun..
Was really heart wrenching
to
see his mom..
She could not even cry properly..
and
his 4 siblings..
The elder one who appeared strong initially
totally lost control
when it time for the last journey..
When the sis fainted
and
one of the elders
told the mom
that
she needed to be beside her daughter..
the mom just shook her head
and
said..
‘You ask habeeb to come...
You ask him to come...
I don’t want anyone else....’
and
started blabbering..
Was really an ‘ouch’ scenario...
Came to know that
except for the younger brother,
no one else in the family saw him
coz
they went over to the sis home
to stay for new year's celebration..
They did not see him on the last day of his life.
If only
he had stayed at home
after returning in the night before leaving..
If only..
the sis had managed to convince him
to
go over immediately
when he had last called her
to say that
he would be coming over the next day..
if only
he had been wearing the seat belt..
the agony would not have been there..
It is easy to console oneself
sayin that
if it is his fate..
what can we do?
But
to digest the fact
that at 22years old..
a soul has to leave
the earth
in
such a painful manner..
&
especially when its a close kin..
it hits darn hard..
was really affected..
made me feel really vulnerable..
the past few years..
have really been losing
a few important ones
in my life..
be it totally losing them to nature’s cycle
or
fate’s play..
(that is they r still around but just..
no longer as a part of my life..)
It has really made me damn sensitive..
That too what happened yesterday
really pushed me to my limits..
First the funeral..
Second my grandma..
She just gave this 'grand' entrance
with
one of her favorite grandson
and
acted as if I was invisible..
when someone asked her
how many grandchildren she had..
with me right beside her,
she can tell them
with this big grin
all her grandchildren name except mine..
when another lady asked her
who I was,
she can give her this eye raising look
and
act as if
she didn’t hear the question!
fine..
just because
I
take after
her mother in law's appearance
and
m dark skinned,
she thinks she has all the rights
to show me attitude!
Well, she can jolly well
go fly kite
with
her freaking fair grandchildren!!
When outsiders treat u
unfairly
because of the skin color,
it irritates the hell of you..
but
when your own
flesh and blood..
when your own
father’s mom does that,
what the hell
am I suppose to feel..
Growing up being ostracized
because
I reminded her of her mother in law
whom she obviously detested
and
being embarrassed
within my own relations
for
my mere appearance
made me lock myself up for so many years..
Just when I am coming out of my shell..
Heck!
If she thinks am going to be the same old abee
who gave in to everything..
she can go on daydreaming..
I did yearn for the love
I saw being showered on my siblings by her..
bu
t then again who am I kidding..
if am gonna be judged
for my outer look
then you can really erase yourself out of my life!
Third and last..
the midnight argument..
I don’t know what sparked it up..
but I really felt the blow on my face…
people!
Please don’t ever say that
may god take your life
coz things are not favorable on your side..
By talking about
those who are not there for you..
have you ever thought about
the fact
that you may hurt the ones
who
are always there for you..
have you ever thought about
whats going to happen to people
who value you more then their life
when
you are so called gone
coz you cant handle whats happening..
what a way to start and end my day..
all the tears I had suppress just came flowing out..
I used to be this stern uptight person
when it came to arguments and problems.
but
2007’s incidents has really trashed out the pulp in me
that I cant seem to take in such words…
so many ups and so many downs..
lost a few..gained a few..
but
certain pain staking incidents
will never go off my memory..
I dunno whats gonna happen in 2008
but
all I am asking GOD
is
to keep the ‘bonds’ intact..
Well..
I am lost for words now..
Have a blast..
Happy New year
and
All the best wishes..
=) Take Care (=
AQUARIUS WOMAN